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| The Lord Will Provide |
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river
had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men
passing by in a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord
will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the
roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him.
"The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol,
she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned.
Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God.
"What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats." |
by.Andrew
BARBIE JOKES
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday
and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never",
he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search
he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply
says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can
muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"
The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have
Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach
for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself
and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" the
assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
Barbie's Letter To Santa
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you
out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning
in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some
changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what
it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
3.
A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms
that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction
surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7.
A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising
account exec.
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable
Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.
Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering
my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself
a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
YO MAMA JOKES
Your mom is so fat she pays taxes in three different countries
Your mom is so fat she has a
homeless family living under her.
Your Mom is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows and when she woke up her pillows were
gone.
Your Mom is so fat when she plays hop scotch she goes B.C, Edmonton, Toronto, Quebec.......
by geoff
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